In my first post i will be summing up a bit about my current and past story in life.
I feel like this is a bit of a deep post to start off with however i don’t really get to write a lot about this type of subject and i hope it can be inspiring,heartfelt and interesting for you too read.
Names of people in the story will not be revealed for privacy reasons and personal reasons.
At the age of 14 I was getting a bit concerned about myself and so was my family around me,I have felt things so deeply since that age really and i never understood why i weren’t happy a lot of the time and not the little Jade i once knew,my inner child. Have any of you ever had a few situations pile on top of the other and ignite to your attention the reason why all those things were seeming very painful?
I was starting Secondary school and wasn’t very popular,I got picked on quite a bit but i always refused to admit it as in my eyes admitting to something like that would be admitting to a weakness so i wanted to handle it all myself,even though i was by myself most break and lunch times i enjoyed being alone,no one to be horrible just me there,me to look out for myself and be me with no judgement. However it wasn’t admitting to a sign of weakness it was admitting to what was really happening.. a form of bullying.Most kids would be rude and riducle me and spread rumours that weren’t true,There were even teachers at this school that have said a few rude comments before to me. By the time that was all happening i just thought to not bother talking to much kids in the school as it was hard for me to open up making a new friend. However i wasn’t a quiet kid,mostly a little bit loud and sometimes quiet,there was no inbetween with me,I was a bit rebellious and people found me strange,really i wasn’t strange though just different to the typical stereo-type of what is normal and pretty.
I Did end up making a small group of friends,some from my math class from a while then to some alternative kids and then to my friends that i still speak to today even though not a lot, who enjoyed anime,laughs,asian culture and talking about lots of different things. Even though i had this group of friends they understood that sometimes i liked to be on my own,either to study a bit,walk around and do my own thing.
I was always talking to people online during my school days since i didn’t talk to many people and what i found out was the way the school kids were weren’t like everyone was,I thought is everyone in the world going to have similar bad views about me? No they weren’t all the same,that was great! I started meeting up with a few friends i met online within age range at my local areas and felt great to be a part of a group of friends,at first it was hard for people to get to like me as i was quiet with new people but as i started talking more and expressing my views more and coming out more i made lots of friends.
Since i was small i have witnessed often arguments between my parents but mainly my mum was a bit rough in her views and wants me to deal really well at school,like i wanted but as my mum is half greek they really want their kids to do well so they can brag about their children to their friends and make them have a better life then theirs. My mum was really nice in making me a friend however,well she thought she was doing the right thing and i greatly respect her efforts as the friend she helped me make such a strong,growing experience even though it was immensly painful. She knew i had an interest in alternative style and she met two young boys where she worked as her customers and forwarded their facebook details to me and i thought wow they look nice and i wanted to have friends so i decided to meet up with them.
These boys were very different to how i perceived myself, way rebellious,liked weapons,doing certain drugs but mostly smoking weed and very confident on the streets and had very different mindsets too me. I decided to meet them instead of going to school as school got too much for me so usually i just went to a coffee shop in my uniform then changed into some clothes then went out to see the local friends i made,I wasen’t forced to going to school i made my mind up,I knew i would either flip out or feel miserable being there so i made barely any effort to come in and my grades were quite decent,predicted mostly GCSE level B so i knew not going to school a lot wouldn’t have too much of a bad effect on my education.
I met up with them and really enjoyed seeing them and giving hugs and that time i felt so wanted in my company it made me really happy in all honesty.
I didn’t want to go back home as i feared my mum would shout at me if she found out i haven’t been to school again and i couldn’t deal with that and possibly getting a bit hurt so i asked the boys if i could stay at one of their houses and explained the situation so i got the choice to either stay at ‘Boy 1’ or ‘Boy 2’ house,I picked Boy 1 house as i thought he was really attractive,he seemed really sweet and we had a few of the same interests so thats what i decided.
So i ended up staying at Boy 1’s house for a few days and made my phone not reachable as i was scared of my parents reaction to all of this,I ended up getting asked out by this boy and he said some really sweet things and i said yes because i had a feeling it would be right for us to try and this was my first ever relationship also, the guy was 17 at the time and an older boy sometimes seems very attractive to a younger girl also.
I won’t go into too much details in this first post of things in the relationship too much as it is a lot for me to get off my chest.
The Guy had a personality disorder of some sort and a few other mental health conditions but gradually told me about each obviously for personal reasons,I did feel worth something during the start being around him,who would not like it if someone every day in the morning when staying round,you wake up to ‘good morning beautiful’,kisses,affection and deep conversation? Hugging going to sleep etc. Quite affectionate at my age i would say.
We ended up breaking up a few weeks after for him online dating on facebook however this girl was in the USA so it was never going to happen,just attachment still there and possibly him wanting more attention…who knows.
However we got back together and was together officially for about 2 months but on and off for about 6 months roughly i would say but having contact for possibly a year,I don’t know the exact dates.I spoke to him about issues i was going through and seeing him his issues were quite worse and i cared for him,wanted to do the best and we even spoke at one point about me moving in.He talked about some painful childhood memories he had growing up that are a bit to illicit to write down on this post and self harmed quite a bit.
Once he even harmed himself infront of me with his knife blades from his knife box infront of me and i will never forget him first asking me if i saw his scar that said ‘cunt’ on his arm and i said compassionateley no its fading i can’t see much and he said okay well i will have to re-do it when i can.I saw blood running down his arm even though he said not to look and thought i didn’t see,I saw the word cunt marked onto his arm and i turned round and was crying and felt like a bomb just went off in my heart.
When you love someone you feel how much that love feels and i couldn’t believe he would do something to himself when i saw him as one of the most important people in my world. Howver,sometimes he was really nice and other times he was a bit rude too me.He ended up being the first guy i had sex with and other encounters,a few days later he broke up with me and there was a massive argument online and i only found out a few months after it was because he slept with someone else from his brother.
After this happened my issues i spoke about with him were getting worse and worse,I even at one point started developing psychotic symptoms. It helped me grow however and face a certain challenege in school,being a bit more tougher and confronting.I once grabbed someones shirt and pushed them up against a wall and told them to leave me alone and the boy was scared and said ‘okay can you let me go now?’ I felt very empowered and felt protected by a voice i was getting in my head that told me he would continue to look out for me with things like that if i followed some rules from him,listened to him and told me, he was part of me.
Every day i thought how does time heal? Its getting worse and worse,all i done was listened to music and tried my best to get over the whole situation and school. When i was at home i was most of the time in arguments with my mum and when i was at school i got stick,It was no where i enjoyed being just online,to socialise with new people and be on my own.
I started self harming a lot and used it as a coping mechanism,I finally got reffered to a mental health team that between the course of 1-3 years i got diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder,Depression (with psychotic symptoms) and Psychosis.
I believe by socialising with certain people and having a connection you can hold onto their energy and manifest things in your brain. Everything is energy and i am not talking about magical puffs of energy like you see in some anime cartoons i mean literally.. Energy,atoms,force,things we can see that aren’t there.
I think by being around an influence such as Boy 1 (the boyfriend at the time) and seeing Boy 2 and Boy 1 as friends a lot of the time their mindsets were transcending with mine,as kids learn how to act the way they act and think the way they think from influences around them such as Family,Friends and even stimuli they are around such as Environment,Tv programmes and their choice of music and of course life experience.
There is a lot of information about this to do with belief systems,mind sets etc.
I Got prescribed first Fluoxetine,then Sertraline (Anti-Depressant&Anti-Anxiety,Risperidone (Anti-Psychotic) and Circadin (Melatonin for sleep). It took me such a long time to grow and forget about the experience,everything that went on in the relationship,us on and off and things that were happening in my life. Still today i have a thought about the past every now and then but barely about the boy.
I always thought for a few years all i would like is an apology because thats one thing you barely ever got out of him. When i was once in my room i was thinking about Astrology as it was something i was getting into study wise through just reading some articles at the time being. I was thinking in my room wait if there is such thing as a sun sign is there such thing as a moon sign? Checked it up and there was! Then i thought wait a minute then i bet there are signs for the other planets too and i was extremely flabagasted with what i found and imagined in my head coming onto my laptop screen. Astrology had astrological charts… Thats why sun sign doesn’t always seem very accurate because it is made out of all the planets signs and things like houses sectioning out parts of the Astrological chart.
I was reading an article in June saying how throughout June-July describing Venus Retrograde which is when Venus is moving in what it seems like in the sky as backwards.This article said about past lovers contacting you and when i saw this article i straight away had a pain feeling in my heart and i had a feeling i would get a message of a certain someone,lets call it Intuition.
I showed some of my family the article and their opinion was its just an article kind of thing but i knew something was coming.. I remember for maybe a week or less i had a thought of the guys name in my head a few times in the day and i was thinking that’s unsusal i haven’t thought about him in a few years now this is a bit odd..something is going to happen.
I had a dream the night before i got the message from the boy and in the dream i remember looking at my phone and his name coming out on facebook messenger and with the message and me feeling shocked. Once i woke up a few hours into the day and the exact thing i saw on my phone in the dream was infront of my eyes,I had to blink a few times and i couldn’t believe it! It was my sub conciousness warning me about this to come in my dream so i wouldn’t be too overwhelmed,I would have the suggestion in my head and i would not freak out.
The boy hadn’t messaged me in about 2-3 years so this was very out of the blue and not a ‘coincidence’.
I got an apology and it made me happy,it felt like a hole had been closed up in me and he asked if i forgive him and i said yes. Forgiveness is a doorway to a more free self,a more free heart,grudges hold emotional energy power inside yourself which there could be room for something else instead like joy or even excitement. We no longer speak however,he did want to be friends and meet up again but i didn’t consent to that offer,to much bringing the old past into the new which i didn’t want. I remember i cried with happiness,so relieved i finally received an apology even though it was a tad bit difficult to speak to him i didn’t freak out like i imagined i would if he ever messaged me.
This is what sparked me to really get into Astrology,me having the thoughts about astrology and figuring out there were such things as moon signs and other planet signs and of course the astrological charts in general. That experience of having the message from the boy within the dates of the Venus retrograde,me liking astrology and other mystical subjects since younger and having a dream the night before letting me know about the upcoming message that i was going to receive.
This is also my astrology chart and current planet alignments for that day,this boy was a Cancer sign so you can defiantly see from the chart a lot of Cancer sign energy. As i am a virgo and had venus and jupiter going through sign of virgo,Jupiter can signify expansion and Venus love,Saturn was also going through my 12th house and in same house as the chiron as chiron is 1 degree from being in 12th house also. Chiron signifies past wounding and saturn is about lessons,sometimes coldness and structure. However it does go deeper than that in Astrology.
I learnt a lot about why i am the way i am and more about myself from my own Astrological chart. Things made so much sense in the chart and i even have gave a few friends some readings and they have been shocked how right it is,also even gotten asked advice in dating with friends sending me the others chart and them themselves having first hand experience saying how similar they are to how i described them from the chart.What mostly helped me after the break up was looking after my appearance and taking photos,Compliments made me happy and i liked feeling good about my appearance as usually in school when i was younger i got called ugly,emo,hairy and all kinds of names so it was good feeling comfortable in my own skin and getting to like myself.
Now my current story is i am doing daily yoga practicing&exercising 2-3 times a week to release my adrenaline build up from having anxiety and the yoga for balancing my chakras,the stretches,flexibility,breathe work and a quiet mind during the practice&even sometimes connecting with my higher self through the practice of Yoga or while working with Crystals.I am looking soon in the future to find an alternative theraphy course and contacting someone who does Tarot reading courses.
I used to smoke a lot of weed myself and as soon as i stopped i had major anxiety as someone who has an anxiety disorder that comes off smoking has severe symptoms of withdrawal and anxiety. My whole body was litterally twitching and shaking,crying every day,bad headaches,joint tightness,excessively sweaty hands,not wanting to wake up every day and had a thought i was going to die soon. A few things also were going on around this time of stopping smoking so caused more anxiety but these situations won’t be mentioned as i am not completely comfortable with discussing them just yet. I have found exercising has stopped the joint tightness and makes me less anxious throughout the day and i enjoy the buzz of the workout and actually enjoy my heart beating really fast.
I currently use a excessive sweat deodrant for palms,feet and under arms at night which makes you not sweat for the entire day,you apply it for 2 nights in the row then for 2 days you don’t need to apply it,then re-apply after the 2 days. I am really relieved a product like this exists as my hands were annoying me every day,especially when i tried to put on make up then my hands made it come off. I take Valerian root at night time for muscle tightness and sleep so that adds to the beneficial effect of the exercise 🙂 I Recently went to a meeting with an NLP Practioner (Neuro-linguistic programming) and i am using 2-4 techniques daily known as anchors,visulations all to help in the long run with anxiety and depression. I don’t go out too much to socialise now,I usually go out by myself places sometimes,with family&mostly stay at home but i am hoping to get out more soon.
I am focusing on organising thought processing through the advice of metaphysics and spirituality,doing things to make me smile including self help, Going outside more into nature,trying new things and finding more relaxation techniques.
Jade Dawson, 2016© ™ myjourneytoshare.com ♥